Sometimes it’s hard to know the line between private life, and what you should share online for the whole world to see. I always have aimed for my blog to be a happy place, but life has hard moments, and I want to be transparent that my world isn’t always just happy & positive.
Over the past 5 months or so I’m sure that those of you who follow me here on my blog, or Instagram account have probably noticed that something was off about me. Then I announced that are expecting, and everyone was like “Oh that’s why she’s been absent from social media, only to post the occasional emotional outbursts.” Haha. But really, while it’s partially because of morning sickness… there has been something else going on too.
For the past couple years I’ve had issues taking deep breaths. It sounds funny writing that. Literally every other breath would feel incomplete. I always just wrote it off as stress, and the result of staying up too late at night to work on blog content. My Dr.’s did asthma tests, but they came back fine. I changed some life habits, took a step back from some things, and hoped I would feel better. Fast forward a year or so to the start of this pregnancy, nothing had really changed, so I decided to go to an ENT specialist, and to my shock they actually found something in my throat. I didn’t expect them to actually find anything, I thought it was all in my head. It came as a complete shock to me. My ENT Dr. said that it could be the scary “c” word, but they would have to biopsy. I walked out of that appointment sobbing. I couldn’t hold it in.
I had literally just started my pregnancy. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to me. Why had my normal doctor waited so long to get me to see a specialist? I started sinking emotionally.
Lots of scary things were said to me… like, you may need to terminate your pregnancy to get treatment. The nurses really were pressing for me to get a biopsy as soon as possible. So I was really freaking out. We obviously wouldn’t have tried for another baby if we had know this was even a remote possibility. But I wanted this baby, no matter the cost. That was a non-negotiable for me.
I had many of sleepless nights, and I definitely cried a lot. I got really depressed, because honestly, my life is beautiful. I want to live it and be there for my wonderful husband and kids for as long as I can.
After a lot of back and forth with the anesthesiologists at the surgery center, they decided they didn’t want to go forward with any biopsy surgery until after the baby was born, as there could be complications to his health & development. I was so torn- I wanted this gone. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. But I wanted my baby to be healthy. So the waiting game started.
Fast forward to today, I am at peace waiting for any biopsies. God put it on my heart to share with you all that He is the Master Physician. I am declaring healing in my life. Several specific words have been planted in my heart during this time:
– I am not supposed to worry about ANYTHING (yes, cancer and sickness fall under “anything”)
– And I will search for my enemies (sickness), but will not find them.
The doctors may have seen scary things, but I am choosing to sow hope, life and healing in my life. My kids need me to be fully present in their lives, and I can’t let the “what if'” destroy or consume my life.
If you think about it, please pray for me & my sweet family as I continue the second half of my pregnancy. I am due in early November. Pray that we would be fearless. Declare with me that when after the baby is born, and the doctors go to look, that they would not find anything.
My heart and trust is in the Lord, and I am not ashamed to give Him all the glory.
I don’t know if I should have shared all this- because literally anyone in the world can now know my deepest struggles. I don’t want people to look at me differently, but I feel like I’m supposed to share this. Who knows, I may change my mind and delete this post. Haha!
If anything, please hug your babies tight for me. Life is a beautiful gift worth valuing & fighting for.