I needed to write up a quick post, because I have been so appreciative & encouraged by the outpouring of love & support since I made my last post about the scary heath issues that the doctors found. If you haven’t read it yet, you can find that post HERE.
So many of you sent me messages, email, and left me encouraging comments. Many people reached out to me with very similar stories. I read every singe message & note. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. All the love made me cry.
I’d been holding this inside, not even telling most of my close family, becuase I just wanted it to pass over, and turn out to be nothing. The heartache, worry, fear, and hopelessness feeling combined with morning sickness made me extremely depressed & trapped. All I wanted to do was sleep & feel bad for myself. I lost all my creativity.
I mentioned some of the below on Instagram, but I thought I should share this here too. I was in a very dark place. I would just spend the nights crying when I didn’t think anyone could see. The thought of painting or doing anything creative made me feel sick to my stomach. That is so unlike me, as usually I have a million different project ideas floating through my mind & I just LOVE life. I literally can’t turn off the creativity most the time.
I was laying in bed one night, and God told me that I didn’t have to be afraid of anything. I had always taken that as “don’t sweat the small stuff.” But hello, last time I checked, “anything” meant anything. I decided to take hold of it. I even wrote it on my arm as a reminder for a couple days. I kew that I had to try to create again. I picked up my paint brush, and painfully created something. I had to force myself to paint, and I actually ended up giving up on it. The piece I forced myself to create is the one shown in the beginning of this post. I thought it was so ugly, and I wasn’t feeling it at all. But then something amazing happened. I kept on forcing myself to paint new art in the weeks that passed, and it gradually felt more natural. Looking back at that specific first painting now, I actually think it’s beautiful.
I guess what I wanted to share is that all the negativity & fear in my life got so bad that I had to come to a decision that I needed to do something to make it stop. I have been given a beautiful family & the gift of creativity & life for a reason, and I am going to live it out to the full extent. Fear has no hold of me.
Today I had an ultrasound, and I got to see my baby boy’s face. He’s a thumb sucker like his big brother. My five year old June sat next to me during the whole thing, and she was in such awe at watching his little life on the black and white screen. She just kept holding my hand, and rubbing my shoulder as she watched. Life is so precious, and I will fight for it, and I refuse to let it slip between my fingers. I will not worry about anything. I will be thankful for my life, and make it beautiful.